Hummer cologne


The smell of desperation

THERE are some car brands that might, just possibly, get away with launching a fragrance range.

And then there is Hummer, which actually did so.

Itís plausible that someone with poor social skills and questionable body odour might want to smell like the inside of an Audi, because it is a nice scent, so that brand could possibly market eau de carlogne and get away with it. Although it hasnít, possibly because Germans feel that smelling nice is a particularly French thing to do.

But Hummer? Seriously? First you have to look at who their customers are, or even the kind of people whoíd like to buy one and thus might be fooled into the cheaper option of rubbing the brand behind their ears.

Itís fair to generalise that Hummer lovers are climatechange ridiculers who relish masculine displays of strength and shirtlessness; people like Tony Abbott and his mate Vlad Putin, basically. Men of this ilk tend to see cologne as something worn by pussies, and those other men who should never be allowed to marry each other. The market, therefore, doesnít seem ripe for patchouli plundering.

Then thereís the problem of what a Hummer fragrance might smell like Ė burning fossil fuels, Americana (McDonaldís perhaps?), the acrid sweat of a man so fat he canít wash between his flesh rolls?

In fact, we are told that it has an oriental fragrance, with top notes of pimento, caraway and cardamom; middle notes of leather, sandalwood and patchouli; and base notes of thyme and, I kid you not, tonka bean. At least the last one makes some sense.



If youíre lost in a trailer park in Americaís Deep South, a spray might get you out of trouble. Or possibly into more


You smell like a giant, brightly coloured turd, which is what a Hummer is, and no woman without a beard will find you attractive.