Side swipe

“Uber needs an algorithm to determine if a car is a four-seater which factors in the height of the driver”

Tim Keen

For your car to qualify for Uber, you need to have a four-seater. That’s about the extent of the size regulations. But what qualifies as a four-seater?

Some cars, of course, are “two plus two” – there’s a seat in the back, but it’s really for putting a gym bag or a case of beer on, not people. You could only fit people back there if they’re willing to kiss their own knees, or have no legs. It rules out using a Porsche 911 as an Uber car, which is a shame because that would be an excellent trip to the airport, even if you had to leave your wife behind. Perhaps even because you had to leave your wife behind.

Then there are cars that can fit four people comfortably... if they’re the same people who decide on the legroom for airplanes and bus seats. These people are all five-foot-four and seem to think everyone else is too. Which is also the cause of that firstworld- gripe, “man-spreading”, meaning opening your legs into a V instead of having them demurely closed like a vicar’s wife at a cake judging. “#manspreader” these sub-compact moaners tweet in a fit of self-satisfied pique. I’m six-foot-something and could only have my legs pointing straight ahead if I shattered my femurs and accordioned my thighs back into my pelvis. The fact that you’re as freakishly short as the bus designer doesn’t make you morally superior. generations closer to the hobbit Indonesian cave.

What Uber needs is an four-seater which factors in VW Polo is a four-seater if it’s not if the driver is six-foot-ratcheted all the way back 45-degrees for good measure.

The same is true of car reviewing I know a motoring journo, very knowledgable, but he’s the height of a bass guitar can emerge from the smallest hatchback raving about the generous headroom. This is a bloke who would probably call the headroom in a Lotus Elise “sufficient”. So normal-sized people might rush out to try one, and be non-plussed to discover the headliner polishing a bald spot on the top of their skull.

F . It just means your genetics are a few bbit people who went extinct in some algorithm to determine if a car is a n the height of the driver. A the driver is five-foot-six; oot-three and has the seat ck and then tilted at re. viewing as well.

, lovely guy, e’s about and he llest he is On the other hand, because I’m a gluttonous beast who is fundamentally incapable of saying no to an extra helping of mashed potatoes or “just one more” beer after work, and have the un-accordioned legs of an NBA power forward jutting perkily from a torso like a pregnant Clydesdale, any complaints about headroom or cramped seating should be taken with several pinches of salt, like my dim sims. Give me a long drive in an Audi R8 and I’ll emerge with my hips compressed into knots like a Chinese princess’s feet. That’s not actually a failing of the car.

The only way to guarantee enough leg room for four propersized adults on Uber is to order the SUV version, which is expensive and clear discrimination against anyone who was fed properly as a child.

So I can see a business model for one type of Uber for normalsized adults – that means over six feet for all you extinct cave midgets – and another Uber for little people, who can spill out of their circus cars like Keystone Cops.

I also have another business proposition for Uber: a getaway car service for high-tech German masterminds, called Gruber.

This one may need more thought. M